Art, why so serious?

If you don't have time to study the complete history of art or just want to fit in with the upper echelon quickly here are some easy tips that will help you navigate these holiest of holy spaces without looking like the uneducated jackass that you are:


  1. Keep your mouth occupied by consistently pouring white wine down it. If someone still asks you you about the art just say "it's crap".

  2. Be unimpressed by everything. This will give the impression that you know more than others around you. No one is going to be blown away by "This art is nice". Grow up idiot, the adults are talking.

  3. Stand in front of a piece staring at it for an unusually long amount of time. You can be singing the latest Katy Perry song in your head or going over your to-do list, just keep a fixed gaze as long as possible and you will put all the other so-called art buffs in the room to shame with your depth.

  4. Ask for the price sheet and don't flinch when you see the insane prices. If you think any of it is "expensive" you're going to look like a hillbilly.

  5. Lastly, look bored. Nothing makes one seem intelligent and cultured more than being unimpressed by everything. If you do nothing else just remember to be bored. 

Now you can move undetected amongst the cultural elite and celebrities at any art function, that is of course if you still have the urge to attend such an event or place for some sick reason. If this sounds too difficult or undesirable you can always go the easy route and #SELLOUT

Exclusive: Jeff Koons Balloon animal study sells for 500 Million

The astronomical prices that some artist's work sells for at auction can be bewildering to the layperson to say the least, but confusion usually stems from a lack of education or knowledge. In this case, if you are doubting the value of Mr. Koons' balloon dog pieces, then you have certainly never tried your hand at creating balloon animals. I assure you that if you had attempted it you would have a new found respect for his incredible skill and an appreciation for his courage in being a pioneer of bringing clown culture to the general public.

We for one, salute Mr. Koons for having the courage to wipe off his makeup and bring the ancient clown art of balloon sculpture back to the mainstream where it so rightly belongs.

If you are not one of the fortunate that live in a city sophisticated enough to display Koons' fantastic works of art publicly, then we recommend rummaging through your great grandmother's things you've been keeping in storage since she died. Her junky collectibles and garbage will give you the same transcendental experience that washes over anyone who has the privilege to see Mr. Koons' marvels of fine art in person. Not interested in 50 million dollar balloon animals? You can always #SELLOUT

you were right: your kid could paint that

There are too many works of art to count that are so unskillful or elementary that they are an outright embarrassment to the world of fine art. However, one series of scribbles by con man Pablo Picasso have been exalted so highly that they prove to the rest of the world that our five year olds must also be "great artists" capable of "masterpieces". Sure "Guernica" was ok and obviously could not have been done by a child because of its sheer size, but doodles of dogs and birds are where we draw the line in labeling things "great works of art".

If we allow drivel like this to be called a "masterpiece" then there are no more rules, no need for skill or art school and any geek off the street can be a "great" artist. Anyone and everyone will have entry into the sacred world of fine art with no barriers of ridicule or criticism and that would be a travesty.

After all, how will we know what's "good" and "bad" without some sort of rules about what we allow to be called "Art"? It will be complete chaos, values of artwork will depreciate and every slack jawed yokel who likes pretty pictures will be invading our pristine galleries and intellectual art conversations with their uneducated opinions and open-toed sandals. No, this will not work. Rules are made to be followed and renegades like this Picasso are ruining the art world we all know and love. The fact that he is obviously able to paint realistically is all the more reason he is dangerous. Why ignore your skill and ability by making fools of us for buying doodles and scribbles when you are better than that?! Save yourself millions by boycotting Picasso and his estate by not purchasing any of his so-called sketches. Save your money for someone who chooses to paint the proper way like Thomas Kinkaid or Rembrandt or just give up completely and #SELLOUT