How Not to Look Stupid at an Art Show
If you don't have time to study the complete history of art or just want to fit in as quickly and as painlessly as possible, here are some simple, easy tips that will help you navigate the holiest of holy spaces without looking like the uneducated jackass that you are:
TRY NOT TO SAY ANYTHING
You can do this by keeping your mouth occupied by consistently pouring white wine down it or stuffing brie in it. If someone still has the gaul to ask you your opinion about any of the art and you have to speak, stick to simple, critical statements like "it's crap" or "not my taste".
DO NOT BE IMPRESSED
Under no circumstances do you "ooh" and "aah" at the art. This type of unbridled enthusiasm instantly exposes you as a gallery virgin and someone that does not know what they are talking about. Try to embody the attitude that you know so much about it that it's boring for you to even mention it - no one's "oohing" and "aahing" at the sky being blue captain obvious.
THE STARING GAME
What you can do is stand in front of a single piece and stare at it for an uncomfortably long amount of time. You can be singing the latest Katy Perry song in your head or reviewing your to-do list it doesn't really matter. Just keep a fixed gaze as long as humanly possible and you will be sure to put all the other so-called art buffs in the room to shame with your infinite and mind-boggling deepness.
PRICE IS JUST A NUMBER
If you happen to see any of the insane prices, don't flinch! Remember, there is no such thing as "expensive" here, don't be a hillbilly gasping at how many zeros the tag has.
Nothing will make you look more intelligent and cultured more than seeming like you can't wait to go because you have something infinitely better to attend after you leave the gallery. In fact, why fight it? Leave and find yourself a real party.